Sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their frickin’ heads

Right. Let’s have a frank and open chat about not head hair.

I’m writing this and I’m almost embarrassed for myself. I remember a time when I’d have read an article like this and cringed for the author but have read it through perverse curiosity and compared notes. So this article is for you guys. I’ve just had my three year anniversary of laser hair removal and I bloody love it.

So y’might be wondering why, or more specifically where, I had the treatment, and it was my face lads. I’ve the whitest skin and dark hair, it was all fun and games until I hit high school and all I had was what is affectionately referred to as ‘peach fuzz’. One of the biggest regrets in my life (to date) is that I messed with it. If you’re living in the land of milk and honey that is only peach fuzz, please understand that the grass is greener your side. It only took a lingering stare and a bitchy comment in an argument with my first boyfriend and it became the forefront of my mind. In my mind I was the bearded lady and some kind of circus freak. In short, I was mortified. Why the fuck was this happening to me? The thing that I became most embarrassed about was that I thought it didn’t happen to anybody else. I thought I was the sole bearer of this burden. The only lass in the world with a pre-pubescent lad ‘tache and a 5 o’clock shadow.

I’ve come to realise that this is not the case. My Southern Asian and Southern European and trans sisters, I believe, feel me deeply in my pain. After many imposing questions I realised most of my friends and family did too. And probably so do you, curious reader. I’m here to tell you it’s alright. I’m also here to tell you that you are no less feminine/attractive/validated because of it. It’s also massively common. Everybody has hair on their face, this is a wee fact, as humans this is what we have. It helps do a thing or something I don’t know the science behind it, all I know is that we have it. More to the point, it has a variety of variables that make it different for everyone. If you have more testosterone in your body, the chances of you having hair is higher. It’s also higher if you’re on certain types of medication or as a side effect to a medical condition like Poly-cystic Ovary Syndrome. Different races have thicker and darker hair. Or, if you’re like me and just have a shitty gene pool. It’s the luck of the draw.

I’ve seen a few articles and YouTube videos now where women are refusing to remove their facial hair and part of me is like ‘fucking yas, you do you’ and I’m jealous of their self-confidence and liberalism. I truly understand why they do it, looking in the mirror every morning and seeing something that is so rejected within society, really fucking gets you down. It made me feel ugly and like some kind of burly bloke. But it’s a part of who you are, whether you choose to love it or hate it. They chose love it and embrace it, and that’s something I fully support. Personally though, I couldn’t wait to give it the final fuck off a moment longer.

I went through a variety of methods. I tried waxing, shaving and threading before laser. Those viral make-up videos I’ve seen going around encouraging young girls to shave their faces before they apply make up is the biggest lie and most misleading thing I have ever seen. When they say ‘the hair doesn’t grow back’ or ‘it just comes back the same’. Fucking bullshit hun, just ask anyone that shaves their arms what it comes back like. Or any bloke. It’ll come back darker (or ginger, hair colour dependant) and brittle. You’ll be sporting a full beard, maybe not a wizard-esque one (which is kind of a shame really) but stubbly bits will be there. I’ve no reason to lie to you, all self-preservation and dignity at this point is out the window.

Waxing and threading really fucking hurt. The skin on your face is sensitive (obvs) and whilst the hair comes back maybe softer or less, it’s not a permanent solution. Shaving damages the skin and as it doesn’t remove the follicle of the hair entirely, the broken hair where it’s cut off BY RAZORBLADES ON YOUR FACE  makes the regrowth quick and the hair stronger and more brittle. It’s fighting a losing battle, and I’m not doing it for life, lads. I’m too lazy. Talking about female face-shaving is the most difficult part of this that I’ve written so far. The big taboo that girls don’t talk about. We’d sooner own up to shagging some minge-cringe of a lad at uni than picking up a Gillette. But there you go, I’ll take on for the team.

I started looking at more permanent forms of hair removal and bar cutting off my face, laser therapy sounded like the most effective and reasonable solution, but it sounded painful and expensive. With a few very close friends I talked about it and they all assured me that it wasn’t necessary and they couldn’t see what I was on about, ‘you don’t need it, Ruby’ they cried. But they hadn’t seen me pre-8am.

January 2016, when I found myself physically upset over the state of my face, I was just getting more and more self-conscious. I called The Laser Clinic in Menai Bridge (http://laserclinicnorthwales.co.uk/) just to enquire because enough was enough. This is going to sound like an outrageous advertisement/endorsement for them, and it is, in a way, I guess. Ruth and Ellen changed my life. I had a consultation and my first treatment on the same day and I haven’t looked back. I was so preoccupied with how embarrassing it was to go there and the state of me, I didn’t realise everyone else was in the same boat. For my entire lower face I paid around £60 a pop, because that’s the bit we all wanna know right? That and ‘does it hurt’ – well. Yes. Like the title of this post, I have frickin’ laser beams pointed at my face. (It was an Austin Powers reference, if you missed it).

‘But what does it feel like?’ My openness about the whole situation with those I’m around when I say ‘I’m off to get my face lasered’ is often met with curiosity and then being used as a confidant. ‘Wait? Do you have a moustache too? Is that how you get rid of it?’ I’m no Houdini, ladies, it is indeed an achievable super power, me and my aerodynamic skin. But back to the main point. What does it feel like? Hm. It’s hard to explain. You’re made very comfortable, lying on a treatment table, eyemask and goggles on – I can only imagine I look like an FHM Top 100. They pop a thick gel over the area that going to be treated and then the laser is like hot pokes with an elastic band (?). Really hot. That move periodically across your face. And you start to smell like burning hair, because that’s what it is. It only takes 5-8minutes to do my entire lower face, some areas are worse than others. Upper lip really fucking sucks.

To put it into perspective though, I would have my upper lip done 400 times in a row for the results it gave and the difference it made to me in my day-to-day life. I had to pop back at first every 4 weeks, then 6 weeks and now I’m on 12 weeks, and then I’ll be done. Maybe a top up every couple of years, if needed.

Laser treatment isn’t just for hair removal (and they can do it anywhere by the way) but it also treats acne. A top tip for any of you out there. Also totally ok for lads too.

A solid two thumbs up from me. If you’ve any specific questions hit me up.

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